I have nothing profound to write because quite frankly I have no energy. I had intentions to be a little productive while we are here. I brought little preschool learning flash cards to work on with the boys and I brought things to do language study for myself as well. Neither have been touched since unpacking. The cards for the boys aren't such a big deal other than the fact that when they aren't at the pool or out and about they have on Cartoon Network. I now hate Cartoon Network. My mom suggested I just turn it off. That would work to keep them from watching so much TV but it would leave them with very few options for entertainment. We weren't able to bring a ton of toys with us so when they get bored, which happens rather quickly, they start to fight--apparently that's what brothers do--and my nerves just can't take that right now. The bigger issue is that I really need to be studying language. I need to be spending time at least keeping my brain used to hearing and thinking Chinese. Especially since I can already feel the mush brain coming on. The only time I really have enough quiet to do this is when the boys are napping but this is usually the only time I have to nap as well. And right now a nap is quite necessary since I don't sleep very well at night...no matter how tired I am.
So all this to say I have no energy to be productive but I'm kinda ok with that. I've decided that I'm just going to do what I can--even if that means hibernating in the AC for the next two weeks. After Friday I will know if the Dr. is wanting to move up the c-section. We are praying not but are ready to go with the flow.
Maybe something more exciting in the next post.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
dear judah
We have made it to July and I'm writing this just days before your scheduled arrival. Even after some scary moments we have made it safely to Thailand before you got too interested in being born. That makes my heart so happy. I've already been experiencing contractions but still holding out hope you will make it till the 21st. I worry that if you come too early we will once again face time with a child in the NICU--my hope is third times the charm. I feel so anxious about these last few weeks. I described myself to your daddy as miserable and grumpy, I'm pretty sure he agrees.
I think a lot about what you will be like. Will you be an easy baby like your big brother Kirby and fall into a schedule the minute you are born or will you take a little longer to adjust to life here like your big brother Bennett. What do you look like? Will I finally get my little son with curls or will your daddy's genes for stick straight hair dominate once again? Will the brown eyes that you are almost sure to get be smooth and dark like daddy's or flecked with green like mine? I will soon know the answers to all these questions. I can't wait to learn your personality like we did with your brothers. I know in my heart you will be your own little man, not quite like them but also not so completely different. I know Kirby already has that deep brotherly love for you, let's hope Bennett figures it out before too many pokes in the eye or pinches on the cheek.
When I think back to April 5, the morning I thought we could lose you, I remember asking the Lord to prepare me to be the mother you need. Even if that meant the mother that would lose you. I gave you over to HIM and I pray even now that I can continue that commitment I made. None of us are our own and none of you boys truly belong to me. I get to have you for just a brief time to care for before you are on your way. You are here to serve God and I hope you feel that importance each day of your life.
Your life will be so different from so many people. Born in a country that is not your home nor your homeland. Where will you fit? You will be a true Third Culture Kid--culturally born an American but growing up in China, you will be of a culture that you and your brothers will understand even though I cannot completely. Your first memories will be of a place that is sometimes still so foreign to me and your daddy. I love this about you already. I hope because of this you will be one that feels at home where ever you are. I hope you know that your home is always with us but most importantly that your home is with God.
We are waiting for you, ever so patiently. Waiting to hold you and look at your little face. I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and grandparents that are making such a long trip to come visit you, some now and the rest hopefully in near months. I never thought I would feel so blessed to be expecting a third son but now I can't imagine it any other way.
With all my love,
Mommy
I think a lot about what you will be like. Will you be an easy baby like your big brother Kirby and fall into a schedule the minute you are born or will you take a little longer to adjust to life here like your big brother Bennett. What do you look like? Will I finally get my little son with curls or will your daddy's genes for stick straight hair dominate once again? Will the brown eyes that you are almost sure to get be smooth and dark like daddy's or flecked with green like mine? I will soon know the answers to all these questions. I can't wait to learn your personality like we did with your brothers. I know in my heart you will be your own little man, not quite like them but also not so completely different. I know Kirby already has that deep brotherly love for you, let's hope Bennett figures it out before too many pokes in the eye or pinches on the cheek.
When I think back to April 5, the morning I thought we could lose you, I remember asking the Lord to prepare me to be the mother you need. Even if that meant the mother that would lose you. I gave you over to HIM and I pray even now that I can continue that commitment I made. None of us are our own and none of you boys truly belong to me. I get to have you for just a brief time to care for before you are on your way. You are here to serve God and I hope you feel that importance each day of your life.
Your life will be so different from so many people. Born in a country that is not your home nor your homeland. Where will you fit? You will be a true Third Culture Kid--culturally born an American but growing up in China, you will be of a culture that you and your brothers will understand even though I cannot completely. Your first memories will be of a place that is sometimes still so foreign to me and your daddy. I love this about you already. I hope because of this you will be one that feels at home where ever you are. I hope you know that your home is always with us but most importantly that your home is with God.
We are waiting for you, ever so patiently. Waiting to hold you and look at your little face. I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and grandparents that are making such a long trip to come visit you, some now and the rest hopefully in near months. I never thought I would feel so blessed to be expecting a third son but now I can't imagine it any other way.
With all my love,
Mommy
Friday, July 3, 2009
dr.'s appointment
Here's just a quick update after my 36 week appointment today. Bullet form to make sure I don't miss any information.
-When I first arrived my blood pressure was a little high--still in the normal range but elevated from last week. This was a small concern for Dr. P simply for the fact that I had high blood pressure in my pregnancy with Kirby.
-I gain 3.1 kilos in one week. That is equal to 6.8 pounds. OMG! She said she could tell an obvious increase in swelling in my feet and legs. Plus a big change in diet since being here--increased eating out is a definite increase in sodium intake. This could be the reason for elevated blood pressure. She wants me to cut out as much sodium as possible.
-The contractions I have been having have not started and dilation (finally some good news). She did decide to keep me on the medication for one more week at least to increase my chances of getting to 37 weeks. She felt that being off the medication would most likely lead to stronger contractions, which would lead to full on labor, which would be dangerous for me after two previous c-sections.
-She decided to go ahead and do the ultrasound to check out Judah and see if he was looking ready for delivery. The boy is already being estimated at 8 lbs. 7 oz...at 36 weeks. Everything else checked out well also so she was pretty sure if we had to move the c-section up a week he would be fine.
So all that to say that depending on my blood pressure next week and whether or not I have started to dilate at all there is a possibility she will move the c-section up a week to the 14th. I'm to rest this week, take as much sodium out of my diet as I can and just see what happens. In some ways it would be really nice to no be pregnant anymore and have Judah here sooner but it would also be really nice to wait until the 21st when my mom and Larry are here. I know either way I just have to trust that all will be well. Just pray for us!
-When I first arrived my blood pressure was a little high--still in the normal range but elevated from last week. This was a small concern for Dr. P simply for the fact that I had high blood pressure in my pregnancy with Kirby.
-I gain 3.1 kilos in one week. That is equal to 6.8 pounds. OMG! She said she could tell an obvious increase in swelling in my feet and legs. Plus a big change in diet since being here--increased eating out is a definite increase in sodium intake. This could be the reason for elevated blood pressure. She wants me to cut out as much sodium as possible.
-The contractions I have been having have not started and dilation (finally some good news). She did decide to keep me on the medication for one more week at least to increase my chances of getting to 37 weeks. She felt that being off the medication would most likely lead to stronger contractions, which would lead to full on labor, which would be dangerous for me after two previous c-sections.
-She decided to go ahead and do the ultrasound to check out Judah and see if he was looking ready for delivery. The boy is already being estimated at 8 lbs. 7 oz...at 36 weeks. Everything else checked out well also so she was pretty sure if we had to move the c-section up a week he would be fine.
So all that to say that depending on my blood pressure next week and whether or not I have started to dilate at all there is a possibility she will move the c-section up a week to the 14th. I'm to rest this week, take as much sodium out of my diet as I can and just see what happens. In some ways it would be really nice to no be pregnant anymore and have Judah here sooner but it would also be really nice to wait until the 21st when my mom and Larry are here. I know either way I just have to trust that all will be well. Just pray for us!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
36
No picture today. I'm not in a picture place at all. I look at myself and wonder how much bigger can I really get? I may very well explode! I am oh so happy to be here in Thailand but I haven't felt good enough to do much of anything enjoyable. I promised my wonderful husband dinner at Outback to celebrate Father's Day and we haven't done it. I wanted to visit the Mall and shop around a little and we haven't done it. I want to take the boys to the Aquarium and we haven't done it. I need a haircut and I haven't called to make an appointment. I want to get a pedicure and I haven't gone. If Judah makes it to his July 21st c-section date we still have three weeks before baby to do all those things. If not, poor Stan may be waiting to do those things (well not get me a haircut or pedicure) once the grandparents arrive. Here are the latest pregnancy things:
-Tuesday I had contractions most of the day. My contractions feel more like intense menstrual cramps that come and go but they are definitely contractions. We'll find out on Friday at my appointment if this is causing me to start to dilate. For now if I don't have bloody show or my water doesn't break I will assume things are ok (TMI, I know).
-Pelvic pain, more groin pain and hip pain make sleeping very difficult. I may have to start taking short naps around the clock to get any rest. I tried a pillow between my knees last night and it barely made a difference.
-My stomach has been a little iffy since we arrived. I don't know if it's the change in food, anxiety or pregnancy related or the combination of all three. Today is better so let's hope that's over.
-I'm grumpy...can you tell?
-I was really excited about the pool. I had even decided that water walking would be the perfect exercise to get me a little active and build up some strength before the surgery. The pool has a section that is 6 feet deep and one that is 2 feet deep. So much for that idea. I must say though it still felt great to not feel the weight of my big belly.
-Tuesday night after having contractions I decided it was time to wash Judah's clothes. I have packed his bag now too. Hopefully being prepared will ward off early delivery.
-I'm looking forward to 3 weeks after delivery when c-section healing is going pretty well and I'm so in love with my little boy that I don't remember how miserable I am at this moment. I think that's the only reason women ever want to get pregnant more than once...we are allowed to forget how hard the end is.
-PTL a true end is in sight.
*ETA: After I pre-wrote this on Wednesday, in the morning when I could no longer sleep, I took a little mid-morning snooze and woke up feeling a)hungry and desperate for lunch and b) antsy and ready to get of our place and do something. We decided after the boys nap to head to the mall to shop a little and eat an early dinner at Outback. This made Stan very happy. :)
-Tuesday I had contractions most of the day. My contractions feel more like intense menstrual cramps that come and go but they are definitely contractions. We'll find out on Friday at my appointment if this is causing me to start to dilate. For now if I don't have bloody show or my water doesn't break I will assume things are ok (TMI, I know).
-Pelvic pain, more groin pain and hip pain make sleeping very difficult. I may have to start taking short naps around the clock to get any rest. I tried a pillow between my knees last night and it barely made a difference.
-My stomach has been a little iffy since we arrived. I don't know if it's the change in food, anxiety or pregnancy related or the combination of all three. Today is better so let's hope that's over.
-I'm grumpy...can you tell?
-I was really excited about the pool. I had even decided that water walking would be the perfect exercise to get me a little active and build up some strength before the surgery. The pool has a section that is 6 feet deep and one that is 2 feet deep. So much for that idea. I must say though it still felt great to not feel the weight of my big belly.
-Tuesday night after having contractions I decided it was time to wash Judah's clothes. I have packed his bag now too. Hopefully being prepared will ward off early delivery.
-I'm looking forward to 3 weeks after delivery when c-section healing is going pretty well and I'm so in love with my little boy that I don't remember how miserable I am at this moment. I think that's the only reason women ever want to get pregnant more than once...we are allowed to forget how hard the end is.
-PTL a true end is in sight.
*ETA: After I pre-wrote this on Wednesday, in the morning when I could no longer sleep, I took a little mid-morning snooze and woke up feeling a)hungry and desperate for lunch and b) antsy and ready to get of our place and do something. We decided after the boys nap to head to the mall to shop a little and eat an early dinner at Outback. This made Stan very happy. :)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
one year
Today marks one year since we arrived to our new home. July 1, 2008 will forever be a day where our lives changed more than we could have ever expected. I don't think all of the preparation in the world would have fully prepared us for this life. We were pretty much ready to be turned upside down but didn't truly know what was in store (well Stan had a little more idea than I did since he had done it before). I am so thankful for every minute of this past year.
When I said goodbye to my Granny she told me I have always been like a rock and that's how she knew I would be ok. That has stuck with me for the past year. Maybe because I know both she and I wonder if that was our last face to face conversation or maybe because through her telling me that I realized that I am that way because of her. It is a trait passed down from her, through my mom and to me. I also remember very clearly her telling me once while she was in the hospital 'I might as well laugh because there is no point in crying!' I have seen her cry, but never for herself.
Although I have shed a few tears over the past year I can count the times on one hand. I always remembered what she said. I knew she meant that it's not a bad thing to cry, just make sure if you do make it a good one! Tears of frustration came once so forcefully that in the end I did laugh at myself. Not because I didn't have every right be frustrated but because I had allowed 6 months of frustration to build up before releasing it--let me tell you, that was a good one. Only someone who has lived in a cross culture situation can completely understand those feelings. The frustrations that come from not being able to communicate something as simple as how much broccoli you need or from telling a taxi driver your address 5 times, being oh so careful with pronunciation and then finally just saying 'I will direct you'. There are many areas of China where most people speak at least some English and I don't live in one of them.
After saying all that I have to say that I wouldn't trade any of those moments, not one. They are a part of my story. Part of the lessons God needed to teach me. I said in a previous post that I love where I am in life and that is 100% true. A year ago I couldn't possibly know the joy I would feel being exactly where God wants me. I know at any moment HE could change that and we could be somewhere different entirely, but for now when I look ahead 10 years I see myself doing the same thing...just maybe not pregnant. :)
I'm excited about the doors that are opening for us with work. Did I think it would take a year for things to really start happening, not really. Do I think we needed to learn some things before they did, definitely. As weird as it sounds I am so glad to call a country that is foreign to me my home. I see people who have lived there for 10 or more years and they still have what we affectionately call 'China days'. I hope I never forget to learn from those frustratingly wonderful days.
When I said goodbye to my Granny she told me I have always been like a rock and that's how she knew I would be ok. That has stuck with me for the past year. Maybe because I know both she and I wonder if that was our last face to face conversation or maybe because through her telling me that I realized that I am that way because of her. It is a trait passed down from her, through my mom and to me. I also remember very clearly her telling me once while she was in the hospital 'I might as well laugh because there is no point in crying!' I have seen her cry, but never for herself.
Although I have shed a few tears over the past year I can count the times on one hand. I always remembered what she said. I knew she meant that it's not a bad thing to cry, just make sure if you do make it a good one! Tears of frustration came once so forcefully that in the end I did laugh at myself. Not because I didn't have every right be frustrated but because I had allowed 6 months of frustration to build up before releasing it--let me tell you, that was a good one. Only someone who has lived in a cross culture situation can completely understand those feelings. The frustrations that come from not being able to communicate something as simple as how much broccoli you need or from telling a taxi driver your address 5 times, being oh so careful with pronunciation and then finally just saying 'I will direct you'. There are many areas of China where most people speak at least some English and I don't live in one of them.
After saying all that I have to say that I wouldn't trade any of those moments, not one. They are a part of my story. Part of the lessons God needed to teach me. I said in a previous post that I love where I am in life and that is 100% true. A year ago I couldn't possibly know the joy I would feel being exactly where God wants me. I know at any moment HE could change that and we could be somewhere different entirely, but for now when I look ahead 10 years I see myself doing the same thing...just maybe not pregnant. :)
I'm excited about the doors that are opening for us with work. Did I think it would take a year for things to really start happening, not really. Do I think we needed to learn some things before they did, definitely. As weird as it sounds I am so glad to call a country that is foreign to me my home. I see people who have lived there for 10 or more years and they still have what we affectionately call 'China days'. I hope I never forget to learn from those frustratingly wonderful days.
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