dear judah

We have made it to July and I'm writing this just days before your scheduled arrival. Even after some scary moments we have made it safely to Thailand before you got too interested in being born. That makes my heart so happy. I've already been experiencing contractions but still holding out hope you will make it till the 21st. I worry that if you come too early we will once again face time with a child in the NICU--my hope is third times the charm. I feel so anxious about these last few weeks. I described myself to your daddy as miserable and grumpy, I'm pretty sure he agrees.

I think a lot about what you will be like. Will you be an easy baby like your big brother Kirby and fall into a schedule the minute you are born or will you take a little longer to adjust to life here like your big brother Bennett. What do you look like? Will I finally get my little son with curls or will your daddy's genes for stick straight hair dominate once again? Will the brown eyes that you are almost sure to get be smooth and dark like daddy's or flecked with green like mine? I will soon know the answers to all these questions. I can't wait to learn your personality like we did with your brothers. I know in my heart you will be your own little man, not quite like them but also not so completely different. I know Kirby already has that deep brotherly love for you, let's hope Bennett figures it out before too many pokes in the eye or pinches on the cheek.

When I think back to April 5, the morning I thought we could lose you, I remember asking the Lord to prepare me to be the mother you need. Even if that meant the mother that would lose you. I gave you over to HIM and I pray even now that I can continue that commitment I made. None of us are our own and none of you boys truly belong to me. I get to have you for just a brief time to care for before you are on your way. You are here to serve God and I hope you feel that importance each day of your life.

Your life will be so different from so many people. Born in a country that is not your home nor your homeland. Where will you fit? You will be a true Third Culture Kid--culturally born an American but growing up in China, you will be of a culture that you and your brothers will understand even though I cannot completely. Your first memories will be of a place that is sometimes still so foreign to me and your daddy. I love this about you already. I hope because of this you will be one that feels at home where ever you are. I hope you know that your home is always with us but most importantly that your home is with God.

We are waiting for you, ever so patiently. Waiting to hold you and look at your little face. I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and grandparents that are making such a long trip to come visit you, some now and the rest hopefully in near months. I never thought I would feel so blessed to be expecting a third son but now I can't imagine it any other way.

With all my love,
Mommy