new thoughts

During this whole pregnancy I have been back and forth as to whether or not this would be our last baby--well biological at least, adoption is always a very real possibility. So my prayer has been should I take permanent measures to prevent future pregnancies--getting my tubes tied during the c-section (although I value whatever your opinion is on this particular subject please don't share with me right now). We had always said after the third baby I would get my tubes tied and be done. But from the beginning of this pregnancy I haven't been totally at peace about this. We joked that if this was a boy we were definitely done but even since finding out it was a boy we still weren't sure. Not that I want to have a million babies, I just feel like I'm not even 30 yet, do I really want to make a permanent decision? But to be honest with everything that has happened in the last month I am seriously reconsidering future pregnancies in China.

With the on going internal debate I've already been having for the past 27 weeks and adding to it the experience of the past month, I just don't know. The heartache I felt at the realization that we could have lost Judah was so very sobering. As I was curled up on our bed, having contractions and sobbing I prayed and prayed that if it was God's will that we should lose Judah that my heart would be ready to deal with the pain. I prayed that my faith would be strong and I would look toward how HE would be glorified through a loss like that. Most of all I prayed that Judah would make it through unscathed and we would end up making it full term. So far this is the direction we seem to be heading in. I was able to get out and get wonderful care and Judah was still 'perfect' according to Dr. P. Although, we still have 8 weeks to make it until we fly to TL as a family...unless it's neccesary to leave earlier. I admit that my heart does not feel ready to lose this child. I will fight for him by doing all that is in my power to make it full term.

So my internal debate continues. I'm still pretty sure we will not be taking permanent measures at this point, but adding this into the mix does change how I will think about future pregnancies. I trust in my FATHER and I know HE will help guide us down the right path for our family.